Jetlag Democracy’s Top Ten Emoscarsem Moments
Note, this is not a feeble list. I decided to engage the backdoor and honor all the weirdness and true moments of hilarity that carried an otherwise mediocre Academy Awards. Please relish with caution, and preferably with a drink in hand….
10. Clint Eastwood “translating” the guy who wrote the “Doo, doo, doo” western theme
What the hell was happening here? First off, I know Clint Eastwood is old and all, but he was downright incoherent. Did he complete a single sentence during that rambling of an introduction? I was thinking to myself, “The only thing that could make this moment better is if they parade out this unknown foreign composer and have him deliver a long, somber acceptance speech… in Italian… AND THEN have CLINT EASTWOOD act as his translator.” Of course, my wish came true. The best shot was of Ken Wantanabe who, despite his Japaneseness, summed up everyone’s feelings with his look of dumbfounded stupor. I love the Academy Awards.
9. Jack Nicolson’s shiny bald dome piece
Not much to write about this one… Either Jack was in character for a Jean-Luc Picard biopic or this was the best homage to Britney Spears’ downward spiral ever.
8. The Hollywood Sound Effects Orchestra
Usually, the Oscars do some really wacky shit, like interpretive dance moves that celebrate the best movie nominees with shadow puppets. Check. And the only thing that topped that weirdness was The Hollywood Sound Effects Orchestra. Somewhere, up in heaven, John Cage was smiling.
7. The Death montage, always killer
Easily, the most underrated aspect of every Academy Awards ceremony is the death montage. It always makes me think, “Shit, is life really this fragile or is there objective never a lack of corpses in Hollywood? ” This year was as qualified as any. Here are a few random thoughts that I thunk as I enjoyed yet another stellar death montage…
-What, Jack Palance didn’t die in 1997?
-Bruno Kirby died too young, and his last performance was a dumb cameo in ‘Entourage’ (that’s just sad).
-Oh, the guy who played the dad in the Christmas movie died; he really didn’t do a lot of others movies, but no one showed pain towards a broken lady legs lamp better.
-Peter Boyle was cooler than people think (see ‘Where the Buffalo Roam’).
-Jack Warden was great in ‘Dirty Work’ and if you put a gun to my head, that’s the only movie I could tell you he was in.
-And last but not least, Red Buttons is/was the best groundless Hollywood name ever.
6. George Lucas’ Jar Jarian frog pouch, AKA: neck fat
For starters, Francis Ford Coppola is still alive? Why doesn’t he make movies anymore? Anyway, the other thing I noticed as they brought out the Three Amigos of Classic Directors (Coppola, Spielberg and George Lucas) was the Star Wars legend’s neck fat. That was out of control. His neck looked pregnant. Serves him right for making those awful prequels I guess.
5. Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly and Jack Black train a song
This probably should have been funnier than it was, but on a night when “intentional” comedy was hard to come by, this was hilarious for a few reasons. Namely… Will Ferrell’s fro. Okay, that was the only reason, but a good one nonetheless.
View it on iFilms here:
4. Peter O’ Toole
Let the represent show that I have never seen a Peter O’Toole movie. Not a one, in fact. But Martin Scorsese has nothing on this dude. He’s like 0 for 37 when it comes to the Oscars. A few years back they actually tried to give him an honorary Oscar, but the dude was like, “Sorry Govena, I’d like to try and win one outright.” Props. Dude’s gonna die before that happens, but you have to be pleased the gumption.
3. Helen Mirren: The Most Bangable Chick Over 50?
Is this wrong? Maybe it is, but I accumulate Dame Helen Mirren really attractive. Maybe it’s cause she’s a Dame and all, or it could be that I saw a clip during the Barbara Walters pre-game show which showed a 24-year old Mirren running on a beach, looking super viral, but I don’t think that’s it. She’s just hot. She’s 50 and she’s hot. There, I said. What?
2. The Costume Design Award winner referring to Oscar as a doll
On a personal impress, this was the highlight for me. Some French lady won for ‘Marie Antoinette’ and she kicked ass. First off all, she was wearing an 1890’s vintage men’s tux. Secondly, she had a really humorous voice/accent. And last, but certainly not least, she referred to Oscar as a doll. Apparently, dolls in France weigh 20 lbs. and are made of bronze. Awesome.
1. Scorsese’s Revenge, and also his eyebrows
Maybe this was certain, maybe everyone saw it coming, but it was still nice to see. And what’s with the eyebrows? Are we convinced that he dyes those suckers and uses Rogaine on ‘em, or what? In all seriousness though, ‘The Departed’ WAS the best movie of the year. It wasn’t like they were recognizing him for ‘Bringing Out the Dead’ (which, on a side note, was a fairly underrated movie, but composed…). I don’t know if geniuses like Scorsese need the recognition of an Oscar, but awards or not, super badass gangster flicks will always garner the respect of me. And in my small, small world, that’s all that matters.
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Filed under Thinning Hair by on Jan 25th, 2012. 